Sweet Jessie

10. September 2008 by Julie.

Hello all. I think we are finally getting Fall weather.  Its been chilly and damp now.  I feel like summer was never here. We had a few hot days but nothing like normal.  Pretty soon the cold weather will be here and we will all be wishing we had this weather.  Oh well!! Ryan is doing well.  Not napping for long during the day as much as I would like him too but that’s okay.  More time to give him kisses. Sunday will be Jessie’s 2 year anniversary.  Can you believe it?  I can’t. Its still not fair. Some days I feel like she’s been gone for a life time and others I feel like it was yesterday. Even though I made Jessie’s room into Ryan’s, Thomas will not step foot into it. If I ask him to get something out of there for Ryan, he refuses.  I feel so bad for him that he still hurts. I can’t get over the love he had for her at such a young age.  Its amazing to me. I still have her glasses on the bathroom counter where I put them one day when she was living but they were bothering her so I set them on the bathroom counter for some reason or another and today they still sit there.  When I clean the bathroom counter, I dust her glasses off and put them back where they were. I have her pink Nike shoes that she wore a few times still sitting on our entertainment unit along with the clippings of her curly hair that Marisa her Hospice nurse cut when she passed away for me to have. The “famous” Cleveland golf hat still remains unworn in our closet that we have her picture taken in when we thought she was healthy and Tom wore it all the time in Minnesota because she loved to stare at it.  It simply sucks!! And in every room there’s a piece of her. And even though, Ryan brings me great joy and happiness that I haven’t felt in a long time…..my heart still feels heavy for Jess. I’m very lucky to have my boys and I love them to pieces but it would be nice to have my girls also. I guess I have my family of four but they are not all with me here. And now I face the questions again about why the big gap in ages but I tell them  now that I have one in the middle that passed away .  I say it proudly because Jessie was so strong and courageous and I want to be just like her and let everyone that she was our precious angel. So now I sing Ryan all the songs that I sang to Jessica and sometimes I cry while I sing them and other times I look at Ryan and see Jess through his eyes. The last few days I have been seeing a white butterfly hanging around my deck in the backyard.  I go out and talk to it (if someone saw mew they would think I was crazy) but maybe it is her knowing that its not a good time this month and she’s with me.  Who knows but the mind makes you think all different kinds of things. So why not? One day we will know.  We love you baby girl and we miss you terribly. I hope you are laughing and happy up in heaven. I hope you and Anna are great friends. At least you are at peace now sweet girl. Mommy gives you butterflies kisses……..

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